I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock