Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime