The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
is nasa ok
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.