You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
it be like that
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.