Seductively sings in Klingon.
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.