The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
my fav colour is also hitler
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake