You Might Also Like
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”