[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest