Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
the best thing i’ve ever made
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.