Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real