We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You Might Also Like
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*