I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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Spring of Deception
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.