Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened