Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?