Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
This fish is cracking me up
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
How software testing works
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.