[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl