My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?