I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!