Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.