You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I don’t know what to do
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]