tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The sacred texts.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
my fav colour is also hitler
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.