Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.