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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.