hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay