fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.