“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?