I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.