In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we鈥檇 be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it鈥檚 like, surprise y鈥檃ll, this is Grey鈥檚 Anatomy.
Officer i swear I鈥檝e only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
SICK鈥橢M SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Give a man a fish & he鈥檒l eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn鈥檛 get murdered. Take that, Mom.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Not today.. 馃槀
i’m still crying at this
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me recordaron 茅ste meme
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
some Old Testament wisdom
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Him: I bet you鈥檙e good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened