if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Best spot.. 😅
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.