[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”