You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆