While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Any refunds available?…
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.