Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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there’s probably a fee though
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?