I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Based Erika
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Order here:
More here:
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.