“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars