[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
You Might Also Like
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
constantly working on myself.