I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*