GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
#Caturday
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes