ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll