Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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I think the cat got the dog high.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.