Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I know a bad idea when I see one.