I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Google Pay be like:
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’