Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My dad is at it again
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.