I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks