Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it