Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
こいつ天才
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.