no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.