Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
how high up are we talkin’?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”