I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Oceanography is all about current events
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are