Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.